This subject has crossed my mind a few times but I guess I always brushed it off. While surfing I stumbled upon this “blog” I guess you would call it and while I read it I couldn’t hold back from crying. Read it and then I will continue.
When I started considering surrogacy I was only 19, had just found out I was pregnant with twins and just not in the best situation. I knew that I wasn’t ready to peruse anything. As I became more stable I started looking into it more seriously and looked for “the perfect couple”. I talked to a LOT of couples/singles, must have been around 30 or so and as eager as they seemed they just didn’t seem right for me. When I finally did find my “perfect couple” I was so excited I didn’t really try to get to know them as much as I should have. When we met it seemed so right that I just knew they were the ones and I was ready. After reading a lot blogs and articles it seems that I was lucky that it went as smoothly as it did.
When I became pregnant, money, them backing out, miscarriage, it was the last thing on my mind. I guess I was so focused on trying to make them feel comfortable, gain their trust and reassure them that I never focused on much else. And after reading this “blog” I guess I forgot to think about the baby and what potential effect it may have on her as she grew up. it wasn’t until in the last 6 months that I really started thinking about it but I always put it in the back of my mind. Recently when these feelings came back strongly, the mother assured me that it would be ok, and I did believe her. After reading this, I’m scared all over again.
During my whole pregnancy I never felt connected to the baby, ever. Was I wrong for that? Yes, it was best that I didn’t, it made it easier, easier for me, the intended parents, but was I wrong? I was focusing so much of my emotions on the intended parents and how much they wanted this that I never gave myself a chance to get attached. To me, it never felt like she was mine, it always felt as if she had been trying for 14 years to come into this world with almost as many failed attempts that maybe this was the only way she could come though. In my mind I was just giving her back. This is how I feel, this is how the parents feel but how does SHE feel. Regardless of how she is raised, regardless of the love she will get from her mommy and daddy and regardless of how much she is told that she was wanted, the reality is that each child is an individual and will come to their own conclusions and the honest truth is that she may feel unwanted by me, that she was just made for a purpose.
This boy obviously went through a lot and his situation isn’t completely like ours. Me and my IP’s are pretty close, we can easily hang out as friends and it not revolve around the baby, they reassure me that she will always know who I am but the fact of the matter is, its still possible for her to share some of the same feelings this boy feels. I can try and prepare myself for the unknown but when it comes to this subject I just don’t think I would ever forgive myself if she felt this way.
Being a surrogate has been relatively easy up till now. It’s been over 2 years and besides being happy for the parents, very little feelings have come up on my part. Now I am starting to think that a part of me was selfish and that I jumped into something that I wasn’t completely prepared for, because you can’t always prepare for the unexpected. “it takes a very selfless person to do what you are doing”, that helped my feeling stay away but reading this “blog” makes it more real and harder to deny.
here is more from his blog that also share other similar stories. http://sonofasurrogate.tripod.com/blog/
here is more from his blog that also share other similar stories. http://sonofasurrogate.tripod.com/blog/
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