Olivia's New Room

i went to rick and Anna's last night to see Olivia's room and it is sooooo cute! they really did a great job. every thing is in its place and clean and all ready to go. Nathan and the kids were with me and the kids were in the baby's room looking at all her toys and Anna was getting all her old stuffed animals down to let the kids play with them and me and rick were both going into a frenzy over the kids touching everything. i just wanted to keep everything clean and germ free and i think rick was getting his britches in a bind over it to. lol. i feel a little protective over her but i have yet to figure that out yet.

anyways Olivia's room is beautiful and rick and Anna seem more then ready! i can just picture her sleeping in her crib and snuggled in all her new clothes and blankets. napping in her bouncer while the dogs curiously sniff at her. I'm so excited!

And It Starts!!!

Nathan was out of town for a couple days for work and so it was me and the kids at home alone. i was thankful that Dorian our nanny was able to come out for a few hours each day to help me get some rest cause it was much needed. i feel as though i cant get enough sleep and i remember this feeling all to well. it means my body is preparing for labor. the last couple weeks i had a burst of energy that i used up on unpacking the rest of our bedroom, scrubbing the bathrooms, hand scrubbing the floors, and doing 2 yard sales, oh and painting my toe nails which i swear took the most effort!

Nathan has been back since Saturday and so i decided Friday night that another yard sale was in order. so Saturday morning came and i struggled to wake up at 530am but when i finally went to get up to pee i realized after i took a spill off the bed that my legs weren't really working. I've been having really bad pubic pain now and the chiropractor says that it could be shattered (she used another word but i cant remember what she said but that word reminded me of my word so ill use that) anyways its equivalent of having fractures and OMG painful!!! i almost wish my legs were numb again i mean that i can handle but this i cant. so Nathan was a sport and he got me, himself and the kids ready and drove us to my moms where he got the wheelchair, sat me in the drive way and let me be director of the sale as he did all the work. all 3 kids played outside during the sale so it was a little overwhelming but it got done and was successful. by noon we got rained out so we packed up and Nathan cooked the kids lunch and then they took there naps while me and Nathan went to goodwill to get jayvin a pair of pants for winter. i have a complaint to good will though. they need to make the place wheelchair friendly!!!!!

we got back and we decided to take the kids to Nathan's mom so me and Nathan could go have "me and daddy time" since he was out of town and he will be working long hours this week. i was craving salad so we went to Sweet Tomato's which is one of my fave places!!! in the middle of our meal an elderly couple interrupted us to tell Nathan how much they liked how he helped me so much!. it was so sweet of them to go out of their way to tell him that. the couple had come in when we did so they saw that Nathan pulled up front to let me out at the door and got out to get me out and then went and parked the car. then he came and got me and walked me inside ever soooooo slowly. he got mine and his plate of salad still while holding me up, it was so sweet and he was so patient. i think i told him sorry more then a dozen times just from feeling bad that i wasn't "normal". he kept kissing my shoulder to reassure me. he walked me to the table pulled out my chair and sat me down and was ever so gentle to tuck my legs under table and straighten me out. he went and got me every thing and anything i wanted from the buffet bar and even helped me to the restroom. like i was saying the elderly couple pulled in when we did, they were next to us at the salad bar and was seated at the booth across from us so i guess they saw everything and even though I'm used to Nathan being this way i could see how they would be impressed since now days guys just aren't that way. it made me stop and remember how thankful and lucky i am!

today was not any better so i really hope that by tomorrow i will be able to walk a little since Nathan has to go back to work and is working long days this week. i am more then ready for all this to be done with and even though i am not having regrets for doing this i am resenting the fact that it has had such a negative impact on my family. Nathan broke down last night and showed some tears for my pain. he says he hates it for me and he hates seeing me like this. it makes me wonder if i was selfish for doing this at all. i have so many emotions of anger, sadness, overwhelmed, sympathy and love that i don't know what way is up or down anymore and i don't know where or who to place these emotion with. who am i angry at or who is making me sad and overwhelmed? i don't know any more. i ignore the popular comment"your almost there" cause it doesn't mean a thing. its been months that ive been going through this and even when the baby is out my life will not just go back to the way it was. i don't think i can explain it and no one could possibly understand unless they have gone through it so its a bit lonely at times.

this is when ill say it. this has been by far the hardest pregnancy i have been though. i can handle being sick, loosing weight, on IVs and and in and out of the hospital cause it all leads to happiness for me at the end. a beautiful baby

that i can hold and adore. but this time I'm experiencing pains i didn't even know existed and its all for someone Else's joy. i sound selfish right now and i don't care, I'm human and bound to have these feeling at some point or another and it just means i have to reevaluate myself and the purpose that i was doing for this from the begging. my emotions have overshadowed my happiness for doing this and my happiness for rick and Anna's new beautiful beginning. so i just need to dig deep to remember, or be reminded or something.

i want to pop to night!!!!! lets pray its soon lol =)

Your Lease Is Up!

I'm now 36 weeks, measuring at 38 and I'm hoping that the measurements are more accurate and not that this will be another big baby for me. my dr felt and measured me and teased me saying it felt like a 12 pounder lol either way he says since the twins were 12 pounds and ridge about 10 pounds that it is very well possible. i roll my eyes at the statement lol or maybe its wishful thinking on my part.

we had our doc apt wed and my Douala jenny went with us. i really think that im the only one who likes my doctor lol. jenny and Anna both say that hes a nice guy but their not very convincing lol. even jenny my chiropractor says she doesn't care for him much but i really do love him. hes not as relaxed as i would want and he is more traditional in his ways then i like however when push comes to shove there is less shoving and pushing between us. when we disagree he tells me his opinion and i tell him mine and i follow it with a stern "its my way or the highway" and he just says "i think its a bad idea but you want what you want so" and that's the end of it. he never makes me feel stupid for disagreeing with him and he has this harsh dry sense of humor that i could see would put people off but i think its a riot and im not easily offended and he doesn't intimidate me so it really works out. really it probably is my personality cause i tend to be a little rash and blunt myself so i guess i could see how many women wouldn't like him and I've heard not many do but for me.....we work well together. i do wish Anna liked him more then i know she does and i know there have been times when she was a little offended by his ways and manners, or lack there of but i like that he puts me and the baby first priority and what we want cause it makes me feel like i can make more decisions for myself and not feel like i should always ask Anna if my decisions are ok. SHE has NEVER made me feel like i should ask its more just me cause its her baby and i feel like a babysitter in a way so i always second guess myself and my decisions asking myself if i think rick and Anna would approve.

I've had 2 episodes of false labor. nothing that i went running to the hospital for cause i know the "routine" and if i can avoid it then i will. i just wait and after a few hours it passes and all is well. at our apt dr kells went through his whole spill about what i need to do at the first sign of labor. he went through the rules pretty fast and didn't really put to much explanation into it and i know that its cause he know that even though he says that at the first sign of labor i need to go into the hospital that i wont so he doesn't waste much breath and just says what he needs to for liability reasons and that's that.

so anyways I'm feeling pretty well done and not even feeling like myself lately. Ive been going through allot and have pretty much given up on trying to explain how I'm feeling to anyone cause i realize that there not going to really get it. i had this conversation with my counselor and she says that if i ever have a problem with rick and Anna that i should talk to them about it....i laugh at that. i don't want any tension between me and my intended parents cause i don't want any resentment, the last thing i would ever want is to regret my decision on any of this and after explaining this the counselor said she saw my point. I've only seen the counselor once. Anna thought it might be a good idea to talk to a third party who wasn't bias and i tend to agree but i realized when she came out i didn't really have much to talk about. i mean anything that I've had a problem with i have ignored and i just explained why so besides that there really wasn't anything at all to talk about. maybe after the baby is born who knows cause I'm sure there will be some feelings that come up that weren't anticipated.

now that i have rambled. so I'm ready for all this to be over. i just want my space back lol.