Nathan was out of town for a couple days for work and so it was me and the kids at home alone. i was thankful that Dorian our nanny was able to come out for a few hours each day to help me get some rest cause it was much needed. i feel as though i cant get enough sleep and i remember this feeling all to well. it means my body is preparing for labor. the last couple weeks i had a burst of energy that i used up on unpacking the rest of our bedroom, scrubbing the bathrooms, hand scrubbing the floors, and doing 2 yard sales, oh and painting my toe nails which i swear took the most effort!
Nathan has been back since Saturday and so i decided Friday night that another yard sale was in order. so Saturday morning came and i struggled to wake up at 530am but when i finally went to get up to pee i realized after i took a spill off the bed that my legs weren't really working. I've been having really bad pubic pain now and the chiropractor says that it could be shattered (she used another word but i cant remember what she said but that word reminded me of my word so ill use that) anyways its equivalent of having fractures and OMG painful!!! i almost wish my legs were numb again i mean that i can handle but this i cant. so Nathan was a sport and he got me, himself and the kids ready and drove us to my moms where he got the wheelchair, sat me in the drive way and let me be director of the sale as he did all the work. all 3 kids played outside during the sale so it was a little overwhelming but it got done and was successful. by noon we got rained out so we packed up and Nathan cooked the kids lunch and then they took there naps while me and Nathan went to goodwill to get jayvin a pair of pants for winter. i have a complaint to good will though. they need to make the place wheelchair friendly!!!!!
we got back and we decided to take the kids to Nathan's mom so me and Nathan could go have "me and daddy time" since he was out of town and he will be working long hours this week. i was craving salad so we went to Sweet Tomato's which is one of my fave places!!! in the middle of our meal an elderly couple interrupted us to tell Nathan how much they liked how he helped me so much!. it was so sweet of them to go out of their way to tell him that. the couple had come in when we did so they saw that Nathan pulled up front to let me out at the door and got out to get me out and then went and parked the car. then he came and got me and walked me inside ever soooooo slowly. he got mine and his plate of salad still while holding me up, it was so sweet and he was so patient. i think i told him sorry more then a dozen times just from feeling bad that i wasn't "normal". he kept kissing my shoulder to reassure me. he walked me to the table pulled out my chair and sat me down and was ever so gentle to tuck my legs under table and straighten me out. he went and got me every thing and anything i wanted from the buffet bar and even helped me to the restroom. like i was saying the elderly couple pulled in when we did, they were next to us at the salad bar and was seated at the booth across from us so i guess they saw everything and even though I'm used to Nathan being this way i could see how they would be impressed since now days guys just aren't that way. it made me stop and remember how thankful and lucky i am!
today was not any better so i really hope that by tomorrow i will be able to walk a little since Nathan has to go back to work and is working long days this week. i am more then ready for all this to be done with and even though i am not having regrets for doing this i am resenting the fact that it has had such a negative impact on my family. Nathan broke down last night and showed some tears for my pain. he says he hates it for me and he hates seeing me like this. it makes me wonder if i was selfish for doing this at all. i have so many emotions of anger, sadness, overwhelmed, sympathy and love that i don't know what way is up or down anymore and i don't know where or who to place these emotion with. who am i angry at or who is making me sad and overwhelmed? i don't know any more. i ignore the popular comment"your almost there" cause it doesn't mean a thing. its been months that ive been going through this and even when the baby is out my life will not just go back to the way it was. i don't think i can explain it and no one could possibly understand unless they have gone through it so its a bit lonely at times.
this is when ill say it. this has been by far the hardest pregnancy i have been though. i can handle being sick, loosing weight, on IVs and and in and out of the hospital cause it all leads to happiness for me at the end. a beautiful baby
that i can hold and adore. but this time I'm experiencing pains i didn't even know existed and its all for someone Else's joy. i sound selfish right now and i don't care, I'm human and bound to have these feeling at some point or another and it just means i have to reevaluate myself and the purpose that i was doing for this from the begging. my emotions have overshadowed my happiness for doing this and my happiness for rick and Anna's new beautiful beginning. so i just need to dig deep to remember, or be reminded or something.
i want to pop to night!!!!! lets pray its soon lol =)
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