First Hospital Visit

last night i took a much needed trip to triage. i was so dehydrated and felt like i would black out. i held off till Anna got out of work to tell her so that she could take me down to get some fluids to help the contractions stop. eventually it set in and i felt 50% better. at that point any percent is better then none. my cramps were so bad last night when i came home i got little to no sleep and there still pretty intense today. to top it off the twins are sick and Nathan woke up sick this morning with some sort of stomach flu and had to call into work =(. lets hope hes better tomorrow so he makes it into work. i think i will be sanitizing the house today and getting a better vacume to help with the allergens in the house.

on a better note Anna informed me last night that the FIRST 50 baby shower invites have been sent out lol. 50 plus people, that's insane but GREAT! I'm slightly jealous at times that this baby is getting everything i ever wanted to give my kids but happy as well. the nursery is almost done, they got the stroller/travel system which is by far the most amazing system i have EVER seen. its called an Orbit if you want to google it. they have the baby furniture and now thinking about what baby sling/wrap they want to get. I'm really into the baby wraps and am now thinking of getting one. i have a sling which is okay but sense its only one shoulder it gets pretty uncomfortable at times.

I'm definitely starting to need the help now that I'm having some complications and am hoping to find a Mommy's helper. so if anyone knows of anyone let me know.

well lets hope there are no ER visits this evening! 8 to 10 weeks to go and i couldn't be happier =) I'm ready to foreclose on my uterus and get my space back!

The Little Things

i figured today i would write about something that I'm thankful for! i have allot to be thankful for but today it will be about my hubby-to-be. we've been together for a total of five years but only count 3 of those years since we took a 6 month break after the twins were born so he could get his shit together. yep that's right, for all that didn't know...were not perfect lol. he has made some amazing changes in his life for his family and for himself. many including his family don't even know the person he was so i wont even start but all i can say is that over that six months he turned into a completely different person which in return has slowly helped me to go back to the person who i was when we first met, before i got my heart broken. i was trusting, down to earth, easy going, social and fun. I'm slowing regaining myself and love it!!! so today I'm thankful for Nathan and the effort he has gone through to change for the better! i love him so much and we have such a great little family together =) we don't have much as far as materialistic things and in all honesty I'm happier without it! were enjoying life not things and its allowing us to grow stronger as a couple and become better parents! so any who that's what I'm thankful for today!!!!! happy Tuesday!!!

Perfect Sense

in all the excitement I'm feeling a little left behind. something that i have learned (well cant really say learned cause i still seem to do it) in my my life is that when someone makes a promise, says their going to do something or makes plans with you that you should never REALLY count on that or make your plans around it. i guess i haven't learned the lesson and i might never who knows but i suppose i just expect people to stick with what they say cause when i say something i mean it. none of this is making sense i know but in my twisted mind it makes perfect sense....after all its what i feel. so in all the baby names, decorating, working, postponed play dates, shopping and all the stuff that seems to be going on with everyone BUT me I'm feeling a little left behind and starting to get a bit bitter. i think I've gotten to the point that i don't want anything from anyone and just want people to stop saying "if you need help call me" cause I've asked for the help and I've called and i kinda got pushed aside. so I'm done asking and done making plans around what others say.

this evening is our last Bradley Birthing class and even though i am going and Nathan will be going with me I'm not really looking forward to it, and I'm not sure why. me and Nathan talked and we decided that he is going to be apart of this pregnancy more then he has been. from the beginning i told him i didn't want him to be apart of it, i wanted Rick and Anna to be able to experience it in the way that he would have but i don't think that's worked out as well as i imagined. like Anna says its hard cause we don't live together and i would half agree. but i need more and right now i know for a fact i can count on Nathan more then my family, Nathans family, so called friends, and even Rick and Anna and that's just how i feel. now like always I'm feeling the need to go into some sort of explanation so this doesn't sound as bad but I'm gonna stop myself and just let it be. this is not meant to hurt any feelings and it will probably get taken the wrong way and really...that's OK I'm tired of defending myself.

Nathan has been great through my pregnancy as always. he gets up at 2am for my cravings despite the fact that he has to wake up at 4am to get ready for work, he calls to see if i need anything on his way home....everyday. he calls on his lunch to see how i am feeling....everyday. hes always saying how cute my belly is getting and how great i look. he rubs lotion on my belly. he massages my back about every night since i cant get a real massage, he does my pregnancy exercises with me every night and our relaxation. he makes me dinner, breakfast and lunch anytime he is home. he feels the baby move when shes going all crazy and he will even rub my belly in attempt to calm her down, he is sure to never go over the speed limit just in case if there are other stupid people on the road, and he always gives me a break or wakes up with the kids, gets them ready for bed or makes them dinner when he is home....ALWAYS. he has been awesome and at the same time that he is there for me and the baby bump physically he has been sure to just be there for ME emotionally without getting attached to the baby bump. i love him and appreciate him so much. and i know its not easy for him because this isn't even his baby. thank you sweetie!!!!

First Family Post

so here is my to do list,

*get a good chiropractor- this baby along with my others have really messed my back up, i can feel it in my legs now =(

*get my teeth done- with this pregnancy i have gotten several cavities =( i have NEVER had a cavity in my life or anything else gone wrong with my teeth but as many probably know when your as sick as i have been the baby often takes their nutrition from the mom and that nutrition has to come from somewhere so they take it from your teeth, bones, your iron supply etc.

*get a Mommy's helper- never needed it before but ill admit i do now especially after the baby is born.

*get our emergency fund- as some might know as soon as i got preggo (total coincidence) Nathan lost his job, Nathans dad stiffed us on money he owed us and we completely went through our savings....we have downsized EVERYTHING!!!!

*get my medical bills paid from when i had Ridge- because of a stupid lady at my Dr. office my insurance paper work was not turned in when she was supposed to turn it in and i had to make a couple hospital visits....BLAH!!!

*get the new place unpacked and settled- it makes it harder when i have to always get up and down to get ridge out of boxes, I'm tired enough as is!

*get Nathan a new job- his job isn't guaranteed and he might not be working this coming month =(

well theres my list! just a few things that are stressing me out and some things that I'm worrying about. UGH that felt good to get out!! OK I'm done.

now on a better note Ridge is turning one oct 5th but we will be having a party for him after Halloween. hes running around now like crazy and getting soooo big. he's in the 97th percentile for height and weight. he's 11months and measuring at a 14month rate. hes been off the bottle now for 3 months but is still breastfed as all my kids are.

jazzy and jayvin are getting so big and learning so much. they are 3 and outstanding readers for their age!! they are also in the process of learning Spanish. sometimes i cant believe how well behaved they all are and now that the twins are getting older they are such BIG helpers! they have their daily chores of making their beds after breakfast. cleaning their room every night, loading and unloading there own dishes and loading and folding their own laundry. what big helpers they are!!!

well there is just a couple of updates on our family!!!

The Last One

call it what you want, tell me im letting them win or that i care to much about what people think. in all honesty yes they might have won but its not cause i care what they think. to be honest blogging is just harder then i thought, i feel watched and dont feel like i can be honest with my feelings. if i have a problem with how this journey has gone or i feel that im not getting what i should i feel that everyone has an opinion and thats fine but really i have enough stresses in my life that no one even knows about including rick and anna that i just dont need one more negative right now. usually me being me i would tell these people to mind thier own business and that if you dont like what i have to say then dont read it, but i dont have the energy anymore. maybe after the baby who knows but these hormones have really made me go soft lol. i remind myself everyday of all the things i have to be grateful for in this world and trust me i have more then i could count. i love my life good and bad and i love myself! this is why you will rarely hear me complain about anything cause i know i am blessed and i know there is always someone out there who has it worse. so yes it got to me that the one time i was honest about how i felt and showed some weakness someone has the nerve to say something that they know nothing about. i think very few of you realize that with every "your amazing" i get im getting ten other "your crazy, what are you thinking, how money hungery are you, how awful to give away your own child, how dare you bring a child in this would to serve a purpose" and i could go on. this is from family, so called friends, strangers, aquaintances...... anyone with a mouth really. after a while it gets to me. rick and anna seem to get how happy people are for them more then how crazy they are but more people seem to be sad for me then happy, as if im loosing out on something, as if i should be pittied. so yes you win, this will be my last blog regarding surrogacy. any blog after this will be about my family and whats new with us. if you care to know more then you can email me and ask! i dont have the energy to keep defending what im doing i have more then you know going on in my life physically and mentally. thank you though for the few who have supported me through out this whole thing.

pitty me #2

i was talking to a friend today and she kinda brought to my attention that ive been keeping alot bottled up the past couple months. this pregnancy has been pretty hard on me...more so then i think i let on. im not usually one to open up about my problems knowing that someone always has it worse. i think that anna is the only person that i have really opened up with because she just has that type of personality where you feel comfortable talking to her about anything. she is a scocial worker so this helps. the only thing i have not opened up about to her is probably the pregnancy and the pain that comes with it. i have a little with my nausea and cramping but even then i find myself down playing it alot. at one point i was even thinking about a mommys helper but money just doesnt permit and its unfortianate cause i really should have one. anna trys to help but she is busy with work so its just not fiesable for her to get around to getting those reacorses and i understand...after all she has a new baby to think about. our family is no help at all really they have there own stuff going on and most have the attitude "you got yourself in this mess so you figure it out". im still dealing with the depression despite my medication that has helped some but i still feel it. im still sick all day but i should be thankful im only throwing up a few times instead of every meal yet i find myself feeling cursed when i have 3 kids to take care of, unpacking to do, broke as hell, cramping like no other and so tired i fall asleep feeding Ridge. everyone keeps saying it will be over soon but i think there forgetting about my postpartum. the dpression that will go along with it soreness from the delivery and lets hope its not a csection. after a baby your supposed to rest and take care of yourself but in this case it just wont happen that way. this will be the first time that you hear me admit that its going to be hard for me and im scared. im not regretting any of this and i realized going into this that things like this would pop up but me being me i tend to put others well being before my own and always trying to make the lives of others better if i can. im no saint thats for sure i would say its a curse lol. but in reality i want this to be easy on rick and anna i want them to enjoy this as much as they can and i THINK they are. its hard to tell at times they hold back even though i understand i sometimes wish they wouldnt cause its obvious that its thier reactions that i feed off of cause thats all i was looking for through this whole thing. so long story short this is another pity me moment that has come and hopefully will go.

Postpartum Sorrow

so its been a while since i last blogged i know! were all moved in and now just trying to unpack and get all settled. we LOVE our new place! most just are not understanding how we are now living in such a small place let alone an apartment but me and nathan are simple and we honestly LOVE our new living arangments. its easier to clean, cheaper but still luxery apartments, easier to keep track of all the kids, beautiful swimming pools, full gym, and over all i feel safer taking walks with the kids and scocializing with our niebors. we just LOVE it!! and like i said me and nathan are pretty simple and not maerialistic at all so this just suits us.

baby girl is doing great and im doing so so. ive had lots of cramping and tons of painful contractions but despite it im doing fine. my body is just preparing itself to have a succesful VBAC. ive gained 18lbs and am now 29 weeks. the babys estimated weight is 2lbs 14oz and is right on track. she still doesnt have a name yet but like i told rick and anna she feels like a Sofia to me. they really like that name but have been back and forth on it for a while since they realized how popular the name is. i love the name and i think that regardless of popularity if they like it then they should do what they want! there might be a million Sofias out there butshe will be one of a kind and thats garenteed!!!!

i have been thinking lately about what will happen after the birth and im starting to worry a little. i have my own family to take care of and nathan will not be home....how will i manage?? i will be sore and tired and in order for me to prevent postpartum i will need to let my body get back to normal and on track. rick and anna will be so busy with their new bundle of joy i wont be able to use them as a good resorce any more. i dont know what to expect after birth but ive managed worse thats for sure and im thinking i can do it again.