pitty me #2

i was talking to a friend today and she kinda brought to my attention that ive been keeping alot bottled up the past couple months. this pregnancy has been pretty hard on me...more so then i think i let on. im not usually one to open up about my problems knowing that someone always has it worse. i think that anna is the only person that i have really opened up with because she just has that type of personality where you feel comfortable talking to her about anything. she is a scocial worker so this helps. the only thing i have not opened up about to her is probably the pregnancy and the pain that comes with it. i have a little with my nausea and cramping but even then i find myself down playing it alot. at one point i was even thinking about a mommys helper but money just doesnt permit and its unfortianate cause i really should have one. anna trys to help but she is busy with work so its just not fiesable for her to get around to getting those reacorses and i understand...after all she has a new baby to think about. our family is no help at all really they have there own stuff going on and most have the attitude "you got yourself in this mess so you figure it out". im still dealing with the depression despite my medication that has helped some but i still feel it. im still sick all day but i should be thankful im only throwing up a few times instead of every meal yet i find myself feeling cursed when i have 3 kids to take care of, unpacking to do, broke as hell, cramping like no other and so tired i fall asleep feeding Ridge. everyone keeps saying it will be over soon but i think there forgetting about my postpartum. the dpression that will go along with it soreness from the delivery and lets hope its not a csection. after a baby your supposed to rest and take care of yourself but in this case it just wont happen that way. this will be the first time that you hear me admit that its going to be hard for me and im scared. im not regretting any of this and i realized going into this that things like this would pop up but me being me i tend to put others well being before my own and always trying to make the lives of others better if i can. im no saint thats for sure i would say its a curse lol. but in reality i want this to be easy on rick and anna i want them to enjoy this as much as they can and i THINK they are. its hard to tell at times they hold back even though i understand i sometimes wish they wouldnt cause its obvious that its thier reactions that i feed off of cause thats all i was looking for through this whole thing. so long story short this is another pity me moment that has come and hopefully will go.