Guilt On The Brain

last night Nathans family all got together for Nathans birthday and Ridges non official birthday. Nathans mom had mentioned to Nathans sister-in-law how good Ridge is and how easy he is to take care of. this isn't news to me, I'm well aware that all my kids are pretty well behaved and it makes me proud to be able to say that. me and Nathan both feel that we have both worked very hard to raise our kids the best we know how. there is a reason to our madness, for example. why do we live in a tiny cheap house, and live completely below our means? well, so i can stay home with the kids of course. it was very important to the two of us to let go of all materialistic things and have me stay at home in order to have the most influence in their behavior. were hoping to be the biggest influence in their lives cause we both know its inevitable that when they get to school they will pick up on things that we wouldn't approve of. so we want to teach them what WE want and help them to learn how to make good decisions for themselves so hopefully when they do get to school they wont fall into all the bad behavior that they will be confronted with. not that they will be perfect cause that's just not logical but hopefully they will be better. now i was going somewhere with this. its been hard for me to admit that I've needed help lately and that my body has taken a toll. I've always been the one to take care of the kids and its always been so easy. so when i hear Nathans mom comment on how easy the kids are, as great as that is to hear it also gets me feeling guilty as to why i even need a part time nanny for the next couple months?! i should be able to do it all by myself, after all i did it with ridge who i had a difficult pregnancy with even though we did hide that from our families and with the twins well that was really rough and even though i made it all look great it was hard with both of them. i was just really good at hiding that. and now with this one i might say I'm fine and unless you ask me the specifics of whats going on you wont ever know everything that is going on and for how long its been going on. so as much as a nanny will help for those days that i cry in pain just moving from one side to the other and the days that i literally cannot walk cause it hurts so bad, there are days like yesterday and today that i can walk and i feel decent and all this makes me feel so guilty! my bliss today will be short lived and who knows if i will wake up able to move tomorrow or the next day and its those days that i admit to myself that i need help. but days like today where throwing up, contractions and cramping are the least of my worries.....i will take the kids to the park and enjoy the day that i can do it all on my own =)