Placenta Rocks

ya you read it right, its a blog about my Placenta....brace yourself and those with a weak tummy are warned!

after Olivia was born we had the doctor save my placenta, which was a little gross but, eh. did you know that alot of cultures actually feast on the placenta after birth and most animals actually eat there own placentas after their babies are born. the placenta actually has alot of benefits for, men, children, women during and after pregnancy. but before you go put one in the crock pot....(that was for visual purposes only, please don't try it) there is now easier ways to get all the benefits of the placenta without having to actually cook and eat it *cringe*.

before i let you in on what i did with my placenta i tell you what all benefits are!

*Postpartum Benefits*

-decreases likelihood of postpartum depression/mood disorders

-stimulates production of breast milk

-enhances production of blood and treats anemia

-balances hormones

-speeds recovery after birth

-eliminates fatigue

-stimulates the regeneration of cells and tissue

-speeds up the healing of wounds

-speeds of recovery after surgery

-reduces insomnia and sleep disorders

*Other Benefits And Uses*

-eliminates menstrual pain

-regulates menstrual periods

-improves skin condition

-eliminates problems associated with menopause

-treats infertility and sterility (both in male and female)

-stops nausea and vomiting during pregnancy

-treats influenza and the common cold even during pregnancy

-helps sick children improve their ability to fight disease

well in other words its like gold!!!!

well anyways i saved mine and rick and Anna were nice enough to store it in there freezer *cringe*! they then took it to "The Placenta Lady" yes this is what she calls herself, where she then freeze dried it and blended it into a powder and put it in capsules for me to take. its just like taking a vitamin and you cant taste it....well sometimes with the occasional burp here and there but it really just taste like one of those gross multivitamins or iron pills so its really tolerable.

now that some of you might be running for the toilet i have to say I'm so glad i did this. i get really bad postpartum as is and i was afraid how much worse it could have been in this type of situation where i had given a baby up. I'm very anemic which cause me to be fatigued and have no energy. i have a hormonal imbalances as it so my mood swings can get unbearable after birth, not to mention that the other benefits are all a big fat plus as well =)

so if anyone else is interested her names is

Nicole Ausdemore

address is 1640 w. monte ave.

mesa az 85202

# 480-671-4534

#480-628-6730

email- oznnik@msn.com

Charlie Brown Style

this year Nathan, my mom and i thought it would be a good idea to let the kids pick out the Christmas tree! the kids seemed really excited the whole way to the tree farm and i could hardly contain my own excitement!!! so we arrived and me and Nathan immediately dragged the kids to the back where the huge 13, 10 and 9 footers were. here's one that me and Nathan LOVED.

the kids immediately announced that those beautiful full trees were way to big. our bubble being popped me and Nathan remembered that this was supposed to be for them so we went to the slightly smaller ones and told them that whatever tree they pick is the tree that we will get, we promised!!! so they came upon this tree. we thought for sure that this is the one we were going to leave with
we were excited! i mean it was full and beautiful and the perfect size, 6ft i think. while me and Nathan were standing there discussing how we were going to strap the thing to the roof of the van we hadn't realized that kids had wondered away. when we turned around to the sound of there yelling we saw the jumping and pointing to this tree

are you kidding me????!!!! yes i know all the trees need love but seriously?! me and Nathan looked at each other both wondering what to say. however the kids reminded us that we had promised! curse those promises i say. so i went over picked the tree with one hand i might mention and took it to the register and paid 15 bucks for the thing. the guy asked if we wanted a rope to tie it to the top but we couldn't help but laugh. so this is where it ended up



it fits perfect!!!!!
so its gonna be a charlie brown Christmas after all. the kids had fun decorating the tree as you can see. my mom had to put it on a Little table stand so she can actually put some presents up but other then that id say its quite pretty.....wouldn't you?

Halloween

we had a really eventful Halloween this year for sure. seeing how more and more the kids grow with excitement with age makes me look forward to the years to come. this year as every year we didn't do the traditional trick or treating. me and Nathan kinda banned trick or treating since the kids aren't allowed candy anyways which leaves us to scarf the uneaten candy that is likely to pack on a few extra unneeded pounds on the both of us. so this year we went to the zoo which was a blast for the kids but a chore for poor Nathan. i was in a wheelchair do to some pregnancy complications and as much as the zoo likes to promote themselves as wheelchair accessible, there full of crap!

we also went to Sneph Farms which the kids LOVED!!! again, as much as they would like to think they are, there not wheelchair accessible either. Nathan is a trooper for sure. he took such good care of me =) i was disappointed that i was unable to go on the rides due to being pregnant and "handicapped" however it was a riot to see Nathan on them. here's a pic of him on the airplanes. obviously he did not fit well. this year i let the twins pick their own costumes. as cute as they ended up being i was still distraught that i would no longer be able to pick out cute matching costumes anymore. but they were happy and that's what matters.

jazzy decided on an adorable lady bug costume. i was shocked cause when i asked what she wanted to be she said a cat but i was also relieved cause she was a cat last year. so hear is her as a lady bug.

Jayvin decided on a dragon. however i was unable to find a cute dragon costume so i resorted to an alligator costume. when we went to check out at the register the cashier regrettably said "what a cute alligator your gonna make" Jayvin burst into tears insisting that he was a dragon not and alligator. so don't tell him that his beloved dragon costume is truly an alligator, what a sensitive boy he is =)and lastly there is Ridge. i picked his traditional pumpkin costume and what a cute pumpkin he made!
no this blog is obviously a little delayed to me having a baby and all. but as you know were well into December and the twins still insist on wearing their costumes all day and even to bed at least 2 times a week. on the positive side i definitely got my moneys worth!

Olivia's New Room

i went to rick and Anna's last night to see Olivia's room and it is sooooo cute! they really did a great job. every thing is in its place and clean and all ready to go. Nathan and the kids were with me and the kids were in the baby's room looking at all her toys and Anna was getting all her old stuffed animals down to let the kids play with them and me and rick were both going into a frenzy over the kids touching everything. i just wanted to keep everything clean and germ free and i think rick was getting his britches in a bind over it to. lol. i feel a little protective over her but i have yet to figure that out yet.

anyways Olivia's room is beautiful and rick and Anna seem more then ready! i can just picture her sleeping in her crib and snuggled in all her new clothes and blankets. napping in her bouncer while the dogs curiously sniff at her. I'm so excited!

And It Starts!!!

Nathan was out of town for a couple days for work and so it was me and the kids at home alone. i was thankful that Dorian our nanny was able to come out for a few hours each day to help me get some rest cause it was much needed. i feel as though i cant get enough sleep and i remember this feeling all to well. it means my body is preparing for labor. the last couple weeks i had a burst of energy that i used up on unpacking the rest of our bedroom, scrubbing the bathrooms, hand scrubbing the floors, and doing 2 yard sales, oh and painting my toe nails which i swear took the most effort!

Nathan has been back since Saturday and so i decided Friday night that another yard sale was in order. so Saturday morning came and i struggled to wake up at 530am but when i finally went to get up to pee i realized after i took a spill off the bed that my legs weren't really working. I've been having really bad pubic pain now and the chiropractor says that it could be shattered (she used another word but i cant remember what she said but that word reminded me of my word so ill use that) anyways its equivalent of having fractures and OMG painful!!! i almost wish my legs were numb again i mean that i can handle but this i cant. so Nathan was a sport and he got me, himself and the kids ready and drove us to my moms where he got the wheelchair, sat me in the drive way and let me be director of the sale as he did all the work. all 3 kids played outside during the sale so it was a little overwhelming but it got done and was successful. by noon we got rained out so we packed up and Nathan cooked the kids lunch and then they took there naps while me and Nathan went to goodwill to get jayvin a pair of pants for winter. i have a complaint to good will though. they need to make the place wheelchair friendly!!!!!

we got back and we decided to take the kids to Nathan's mom so me and Nathan could go have "me and daddy time" since he was out of town and he will be working long hours this week. i was craving salad so we went to Sweet Tomato's which is one of my fave places!!! in the middle of our meal an elderly couple interrupted us to tell Nathan how much they liked how he helped me so much!. it was so sweet of them to go out of their way to tell him that. the couple had come in when we did so they saw that Nathan pulled up front to let me out at the door and got out to get me out and then went and parked the car. then he came and got me and walked me inside ever soooooo slowly. he got mine and his plate of salad still while holding me up, it was so sweet and he was so patient. i think i told him sorry more then a dozen times just from feeling bad that i wasn't "normal". he kept kissing my shoulder to reassure me. he walked me to the table pulled out my chair and sat me down and was ever so gentle to tuck my legs under table and straighten me out. he went and got me every thing and anything i wanted from the buffet bar and even helped me to the restroom. like i was saying the elderly couple pulled in when we did, they were next to us at the salad bar and was seated at the booth across from us so i guess they saw everything and even though I'm used to Nathan being this way i could see how they would be impressed since now days guys just aren't that way. it made me stop and remember how thankful and lucky i am!

today was not any better so i really hope that by tomorrow i will be able to walk a little since Nathan has to go back to work and is working long days this week. i am more then ready for all this to be done with and even though i am not having regrets for doing this i am resenting the fact that it has had such a negative impact on my family. Nathan broke down last night and showed some tears for my pain. he says he hates it for me and he hates seeing me like this. it makes me wonder if i was selfish for doing this at all. i have so many emotions of anger, sadness, overwhelmed, sympathy and love that i don't know what way is up or down anymore and i don't know where or who to place these emotion with. who am i angry at or who is making me sad and overwhelmed? i don't know any more. i ignore the popular comment"your almost there" cause it doesn't mean a thing. its been months that ive been going through this and even when the baby is out my life will not just go back to the way it was. i don't think i can explain it and no one could possibly understand unless they have gone through it so its a bit lonely at times.

this is when ill say it. this has been by far the hardest pregnancy i have been though. i can handle being sick, loosing weight, on IVs and and in and out of the hospital cause it all leads to happiness for me at the end. a beautiful baby

that i can hold and adore. but this time I'm experiencing pains i didn't even know existed and its all for someone Else's joy. i sound selfish right now and i don't care, I'm human and bound to have these feeling at some point or another and it just means i have to reevaluate myself and the purpose that i was doing for this from the begging. my emotions have overshadowed my happiness for doing this and my happiness for rick and Anna's new beautiful beginning. so i just need to dig deep to remember, or be reminded or something.

i want to pop to night!!!!! lets pray its soon lol =)

Your Lease Is Up!

I'm now 36 weeks, measuring at 38 and I'm hoping that the measurements are more accurate and not that this will be another big baby for me. my dr felt and measured me and teased me saying it felt like a 12 pounder lol either way he says since the twins were 12 pounds and ridge about 10 pounds that it is very well possible. i roll my eyes at the statement lol or maybe its wishful thinking on my part.

we had our doc apt wed and my Douala jenny went with us. i really think that im the only one who likes my doctor lol. jenny and Anna both say that hes a nice guy but their not very convincing lol. even jenny my chiropractor says she doesn't care for him much but i really do love him. hes not as relaxed as i would want and he is more traditional in his ways then i like however when push comes to shove there is less shoving and pushing between us. when we disagree he tells me his opinion and i tell him mine and i follow it with a stern "its my way or the highway" and he just says "i think its a bad idea but you want what you want so" and that's the end of it. he never makes me feel stupid for disagreeing with him and he has this harsh dry sense of humor that i could see would put people off but i think its a riot and im not easily offended and he doesn't intimidate me so it really works out. really it probably is my personality cause i tend to be a little rash and blunt myself so i guess i could see how many women wouldn't like him and I've heard not many do but for me.....we work well together. i do wish Anna liked him more then i know she does and i know there have been times when she was a little offended by his ways and manners, or lack there of but i like that he puts me and the baby first priority and what we want cause it makes me feel like i can make more decisions for myself and not feel like i should always ask Anna if my decisions are ok. SHE has NEVER made me feel like i should ask its more just me cause its her baby and i feel like a babysitter in a way so i always second guess myself and my decisions asking myself if i think rick and Anna would approve.

I've had 2 episodes of false labor. nothing that i went running to the hospital for cause i know the "routine" and if i can avoid it then i will. i just wait and after a few hours it passes and all is well. at our apt dr kells went through his whole spill about what i need to do at the first sign of labor. he went through the rules pretty fast and didn't really put to much explanation into it and i know that its cause he know that even though he says that at the first sign of labor i need to go into the hospital that i wont so he doesn't waste much breath and just says what he needs to for liability reasons and that's that.

so anyways I'm feeling pretty well done and not even feeling like myself lately. Ive been going through allot and have pretty much given up on trying to explain how I'm feeling to anyone cause i realize that there not going to really get it. i had this conversation with my counselor and she says that if i ever have a problem with rick and Anna that i should talk to them about it....i laugh at that. i don't want any tension between me and my intended parents cause i don't want any resentment, the last thing i would ever want is to regret my decision on any of this and after explaining this the counselor said she saw my point. I've only seen the counselor once. Anna thought it might be a good idea to talk to a third party who wasn't bias and i tend to agree but i realized when she came out i didn't really have much to talk about. i mean anything that I've had a problem with i have ignored and i just explained why so besides that there really wasn't anything at all to talk about. maybe after the baby is born who knows cause I'm sure there will be some feelings that come up that weren't anticipated.

now that i have rambled. so I'm ready for all this to be over. i just want my space back lol.

A Little This A Little That

yesterdays doctors appointment went well.....not that there is ever much to them lol. Anna was really sick and to avoid getting me sick Rick went with me. same old same old, there is nothing they can do with the ligament pain, I'm gaining weight like crazy since i have not been able to exercise or even walk some days for the last 2 months or so, blood pressure is great, babies heart beat normal, I'm measuring a week ahead and I'm hoping this is accurate lol. i really cant wait to get my body back in shape and to myself. back to my 125lb self even though Nathan is hoping that i wont loose all the weight, what a chubby chaser he is lol. i have great access to a gym so ill get there. what is hardest is not being able to do things with the kids that i would normally be able to. we went to Schneph Farms over the weekend and even though that Nathan was such a sport wheeling me around in my wheelchair and the kids had fun riding on my lap, they were sad that i couldn't go on any of the rides with them. Nathan felt so bad that he would have to just park me to watch when usually i would be right in the action. he hates it for me. I'm a trooper though. i don't get out and see the family and rick and Anna much but when i do I'm pretty good at sucking it up and pretending top walk half ass normal but by the time i leave I'm in even more pain from the front i put on. i just hate the pity looks i get from people that i would rather suck it up not to mention i don't want rick and Anna to feel bad.

on the brighter side i think that the baby has a name!! Olivia Isabella. this has been the weirdest part for me. having someone else name the baby that I'm carrying. i don't know why it feels strange but it does. however from the beginning as they started naming off names that they had thought of in the past i knew that she would have a great name. allot of the names that they pick were "normal" compared to my kids names but they were all beautiful too. i had suggested a few names to them just to give them more to add to the list and Olivia is one that i suggested. i was almost certain that they weren't fond but evidently it grew on them. its still hard for me to wrap my finger around the name Olivia though. i was so certain that they were set on Sophia that i got that stuck in my head. i love the name Sofia even though its not a name i would choose for my own baby but neither is Olivia. there both beautiful and both sound like "rick and Anna" names if that makes sense.

well I'm 34 weeks (hopefully secretly 35) and i cant wait to be done! as much as i love this little jumping bean I'm more then ready for her to be home with her mommy and daddy! so I'm counting the days and I'm sure the new proud parents are to.

And A Sapotos Is?

everyday one of my kids is bound to make my jaw drop. yesterday it was jazzy. it started right before her third birthday that she surprised us with reciting 1-10 in Spanish ever so perfectly. ever since she has been obbsessd with learning Spanish and teaching jayvin what she learns which is no surprise that he picks up on it just as fast. so Nathan has been teaching her. well yesterday she asks me "mommy where are my sapotos"? i spent ten minutes trying to figure out what the heck a sapoptos is all while she is laughing and teasing me for not knowing what this stupid sapatos is. finally i call Nathan and ask him. while I'm asking him she already knows who I'm asking and lets out a hysterical laugh and says "daddy know what a sapatos it"! he laughs and says it means "shoe" so i ask her if she is asking where her shoe is and she smiles and says "yep, my sapatos is by the door".

its sad that my 3 year old know more Spanish then i do and even more so that they think its funny that they know something that i don't and tease me about it. Nathan just thinks its a riot. i do have to say that it was the highlight of my day and i wont forget that look in her eyes when she realized that she knew something that i did not. it was amazing watching her confidence rise before my eyes!

just thought i would share =)

Finding The Blessings In The Good And Bad

Anna's last post made me a bit gloomy. it makes me wonder if I'm taking advantage of this "gift" that I'm able to give. as much pain as I'm in as miserable as i am some days, should i be thanking god that i have the ability to feel this way at all. it seems i should because Anna is wishing everyday that she could feel all this pain and in almost every way i completely understand it. i think its human nature to desire what you don't have, i know I'm guilty at times. i think all this is a lesson that no matter whats absent in your life that you should find the blessing in the good and bad . after all it all has a purpose. its difficult to look at my own lesson at the moment but i think that because Anna is unable to have this baby bump of her own that she will definitely never take advantage of the blessing that comes after the baby bump, the baby herself. she will Cherish every mess, every sleepless night, every spit up, every poopy diaper, and every night that the baby falls asleep on her and despite that her arms and butt are asleep she will Cherish every tingly body part, when most take advantage of these things everyday. it makes me more grateful to be doing this for them. i wish Anna could carry this baby herself and experience what it's like to give birth to her baby and even though she has been here from beginning to end i know its not the same. if all i can do is allow them to be apart of this pregnancy as much as possible and promise not to take advantage of a single painful day then i promise to do it. I've heard it before "whats 9 months compared to a lifetime" and you know that's just not right. yes they will have a lifetime with her and if your just measuring time your right, 9 months is no comparison but its not about the time its about the bonding and I'm grateful that i can grasp this cause it allows me to have empathy for the other side and today i am grateful that i can feel the pain of pregnancy.

Baby Shower Bliss

Rick and Anna had their baby shower yesterday and i have to say, this kid is making out like a bandit! its like everyone has bought presents over the last 12 years that she should have been here and are now giving them to her all at once. i can only imagine what Christmas and birthdays will be like even more so since that will land in the same month.

Beau (Anna's sister) did a GREAT job with everything! bill, her husband and William and Morgan the new cousins to be were so helpful and definitely did there fair share of work as well. everything turned out beautiful! there were so many people, at least 50 and it all got a bit overwhelming for me. so many people and so many compliments on what I'm doing that it left me feeling a bit awkward. i guess that i just don't think twice about what I'm doing, i haven't questioned it this whole time so for someone to make a fuss out of it just makes me wiggle nervously in my seat. not to mention that it was Rick and Anna's big day and i didn't want to take anything from that. but on the other hand it is refreshing to see how happy everyone is that this day has finally come. even though i never know what to say when someone comes up to me to say thank you it is still appreciated so very much!

as Rick and Anna opened gifts i was surprised that a few were for me. it was so thoughtful and a total shock. it was really heart warming to be included. Beau got me a book and some smell good girly things, Ricks sister got me some bath things, someone else (i cant remember for the life of me who it was...sorry) got me some more bath pampering stuff and then Rick and Anna got me all sorts of stuff to pamper myself during and after the pregnancy. of course it wouldn't have been complete without some water works lol. rick and Anna included the sweetest card that, of course, made me cry like a baby in front of everyone. now i know all you nosey people want to know what it said so here it is

* My dearest Krystal*

Here we are, so close and yet so far! the thing is, we wouldn't be here at all if it wasn't for you! i know we have told you before, but we will never be able to tell you enough THANK YOU!! thank you for doing this for us, thank you for taking care of our little girl! i know it hasn't always been easy-lol! and thank you for helping us complete our family!!!! so here are just a few things to take care of you! hopefully to make you more comfy now, at the hospital and to recover later! so with all our love, appreciation and gratitude!

enjoy

Rick, Anna and Olivia

brings tears to my eyes even writing it lol. i think what does it is realizing that they don't take any of this for granted, not one little bit of it! but the thing is, i feel honored to do this for them. i feel like I'm the one receiving a gift as well. i am literally changing someones life, its taken 10 months to do but I'm doing it and i feel blessed that i have that ability! i love Rick and Anna so much and all their family as well! its so refreshing to see that out of so many babies that are born this baby is undoubtedly here for a purpose and will have so many people who love and thank god for her everyday and all she has to do is make her presents. so many babies and children fight everyday to get love like this and its amazing to be apart of a success story =)

Jazlynn

i just wanted to give some updates on the kids since i know some of my family who doesn't live in Az. now read my blogs. so i thought it would be nice to share some things that they have done and learned. so this post will be about jazzy and then ill do one on Jayvin and Ridge later. concores

Jazlynn Aliece Brauer-Woodworth

Jazzy Is so sweet and such a cuddler. over the last 3 years she has gone back and forth from being a Mommy's girl to daddy's girl and at the moment is back to being a Mommy's girl. she is now three and we feel blessed to have skipped the terrible twos and threes. she has gotten a little antsy the last few months from my lack of being able to be a active and tolerant as i used to be but trust me as soon as this baby is out we'll get back to the swing of things. now that she is three she knows her shapes and how many angles and sides they have ...well she know what a Pentagon, octagon, triangle, square, rectangle, circle, heart and star are...oh and an oval. so maybe not ALL the shapes but a fair amount. she knows her colors, the main colors anyways =). she is REALLY into letters and numbers. she loves to write her alphabet and even though some end up backwards, overall she does a great job. she can do easy addition with her fingers but we haven't even tried to tackle subtraction though. she loves to be read to and can actually read approx 40 words herself. she gets smarter and smarter every day and i love to see how much she thinks learning is fun. i never push them but i do challenge them however we never challenge them to failure. she is so loving to. she is the one who corners her brothers and gives them kisses (reminds me of what i used to do to my cousin. poor Luke I'm so sorry lol). she is the little mommy of the house. she is always looking after her brothers and always wanting to help me around the house. she does have her own chores though but to her i think she thinks of them as games. she has 3 chores, she makes her bed every morning, unloads her plastic dishes and silverware and puts them away and she loads her own dishes and silverware to the dishwasher. obviously she cleans up hers toys and what not but that's not a chore that's just something she needs to do. we pay them for their chores to. she gets 25cents for each chore she does. so 75cents total but its not all for spending. one quarter goes in a spend pouch, one quarter in the save pouch and the last quarter in the give pouch. the spend pouch they can spend on whatever they want and we usually take them to the dollar section in the stores. the save ...that's common sense and the give is for them to give to there Sunday teacher, or money collector at the grocery stores and what not. well that's kinda of where we are with jazzy. were not around other kids so i don't know whats normal or not but i do know that i love her and she makes us so proud!!!

As Requested By Kim

a friend of mine requested that i explain how all the paper work for the baby after birth works. ill just explain everything that we have planned for after birth just to cover any and all questions.

so after the baby is born we plan that Anna will be staying at the hospital with me until I'm released. its such a small room and i know the chair that they have in there is so uncomfortable that i don't know how that will work. when i stayed with ridge in the hospital when he had RSV i made a cot on the floor lol cause that chair is ridiculously uncomfortable! anyways i wont be able to sign my rights over until 3 days after the baby is born. the reason being is cause i would have to sign my rights over to rick since he is the biological father and then Anna will have to go through a process for step parent adoption since the baby is not biologically related. they make you wait for three days cause i guess back in the day moms who were planning on putting their baby up for adoption would sign the papers right away but then come back and fight it saying that they were "hormonal" and not able to make rational decisions. so now by law the mother is allowed 3 days to make her final decision. at this point we will have a lawyer come in and go over the paper work and at the end of the 3 days ill sign my rights over. legally my name and ricks name will be on the birth certificate. Anna has to go through classes and have a social worker come check her out before she can begin the adoption process. this is so silly to me...cant i just chooses who i want? i guess it just doesn't work that way. anyways. the baby can then go home with rick and Anna. we all plan on staying in touch. we have already went over what i expect for minimal contact like pictures once a month, year etc letters, and updates etc. and then we when over what would be ideal for me. we have already become friends so obviously if we ever hang out, go to dinner or what not i would see the baby. i plan on staying friends with Anna and rick and I'm not so concerned on whether i see the baby or not. as unattached as that sounds its the truth. the only reason that i would want picks or updates is that with it being biologically half mine i still have that emotion that i want o know that she is safe and happy and i would love to see what she looks like as she gets older compared to mine and Nathans kids. for the first month i requested that IF i feel at the time that i need closure then i would like to see the baby more often in the month of December. i wont know how i feel, i might end up wanting nothing to do with her, i can see it going either way.

well i hope i answered my friends questions =)

Little Thoughts, Little Blessings

to me its the little things that people do that i notice the most. like when Nathan writes me a little note before he leaves in the morning telling me to have a good day. when Jayvin comes up to me when i first wake up and put my glasses on and says to me "mommy, i like yours glasses". its those little thoughts that make the biggest impression with me.

this evening we took a tour of chandler hospital. Rick and Anna came and picked me up, as i hopped in the car Anna told me that she picked up a couple shirts from Wal-Mart for me. it was nothing extravagant but it was so sweet to know that during the day when shes doing her daily errands and routine shes thinking of me and the baby. she says it all the time but to see it is so heart warming.

just thought i would share cause it brought a smile to MY face =)

Call me Selfish

being pregnant makes me selfish. at least that's how i feel most of the time. i manage to keep the house clean, the kids clean and fed and pretty happy. but that's where it ends. i don't cook these last couple months, and i don't do the grocery shopping. i don't pamper my hubby like i normally would and i don't take the kids out as often as i should. these last couple of months that i have been sore and irritable, not to mention tired and unable to even walk or move at times, i have been selfish. Nathan does what i should and Nathan does what he should and that leaves me feeling lazy. most of the time i know that i just cant do some of these things its not physically possible with whats been going on medically through this all but i still feel the guilt.

now....I'm going to be bold and slightly more selfish and post my Christmas and birthday wish list for all to see. i have 5 more weeks of this baby sucking the life out of me, hopefully it goes by fast. in the mean time a girl can wish right?

*1 hour massage *ahh how good this would be*

*a facial

*get my hair colored....finally

*mani and pedi

*debit gift certificate to get some clothes to celebrate my new figure lol *hopefully skinnier figure in about 4 months*

*a paid for date night with Nathan*prepaid 2 months to the chiropractor*this one is well needed*

that's it...that's all i want =)

Ember Wins

i asked everyone what my next blog should be about and out of the three responses my cousin September wins.

Me and Nathan have been thinking about moving for quite some time and have narrowed it down to two places. Illinois being our first choice and Colorado being our second. Illinois is our first because i have two different families there that i haven't been able to get to know. i have my dads side of the family that i remember visiting maybe 2 times since i was....i don't know in 5th or 6th grade. i really love that side of the fam. there so loud and friendly and so "let me tell you what i think". and really that's SOOO me, i get it honestly =) they have really seem to stick together over the years and there just one neat bunch! i love them to death and really want my new family (Nathan and the kids) to be raised around such a family oriented environment. than i have my moms side...well kinda. my mom sister Jamie who died when i was two maybe had a son who is now 26. Micheal is an amazing person you just came into our lives a few years ago and has made a huge step moving to Arizona with his boyfriend to get to know us. well his family is my family and I've never had the the opportunity to meet them. I've only heard great things. they seem to be really tight and so helpful to one another.

so many people to get to know and we want to do it soon! this was actually all Nathans idea and it took him a bit to get me on board. not that i wouldn't like to get to know my family but its a little scary. what if their disappointed? what if i don't fit in or we don't get along....then what? but I'm on board now! so far we have been looking at Naperville but not set on it completely, we"ll see. if we move it wont be for a couple years so we have time. a good school system is our number one priority!!!!

This And That

I'm really enjoying the shady skies and breeze that the Arizona weather has brought today. with the feeling back in my legs and minor ligament pain i maid way to the outside santan mall to take the kids for some ice cream and let them play in the park. i think i braved about 2 1/2 hours before it was time to take the kids home for their nap. I've heard it more then once, "take it easy" by more people then i can count but really....?....take it easy? it must just be a nice thing to say cause if their actually serious then please....lets trade places for a couple days and we'll see what you think after that. craziness i tell you!

tonight is our meeting with Jenny my Doula. Rick, Anna and i have decided to labor at their house since there place is better equipped for a labor tub, which if i haven't already mentioned I'm really stoked for!!! we'll probably go over what I'm looking forward to during labor and then delivery and since Anna and i already made several lists already this should go well. Nathan is really excited to be a part of my labor as he was with ridge. we decided that IF i decide to share the tub then he'll get in with me but we'll just see when that time comes. i can be a little greedy at times so......

Guilt On The Brain

last night Nathans family all got together for Nathans birthday and Ridges non official birthday. Nathans mom had mentioned to Nathans sister-in-law how good Ridge is and how easy he is to take care of. this isn't news to me, I'm well aware that all my kids are pretty well behaved and it makes me proud to be able to say that. me and Nathan both feel that we have both worked very hard to raise our kids the best we know how. there is a reason to our madness, for example. why do we live in a tiny cheap house, and live completely below our means? well, so i can stay home with the kids of course. it was very important to the two of us to let go of all materialistic things and have me stay at home in order to have the most influence in their behavior. were hoping to be the biggest influence in their lives cause we both know its inevitable that when they get to school they will pick up on things that we wouldn't approve of. so we want to teach them what WE want and help them to learn how to make good decisions for themselves so hopefully when they do get to school they wont fall into all the bad behavior that they will be confronted with. not that they will be perfect cause that's just not logical but hopefully they will be better. now i was going somewhere with this. its been hard for me to admit that I've needed help lately and that my body has taken a toll. I've always been the one to take care of the kids and its always been so easy. so when i hear Nathans mom comment on how easy the kids are, as great as that is to hear it also gets me feeling guilty as to why i even need a part time nanny for the next couple months?! i should be able to do it all by myself, after all i did it with ridge who i had a difficult pregnancy with even though we did hide that from our families and with the twins well that was really rough and even though i made it all look great it was hard with both of them. i was just really good at hiding that. and now with this one i might say I'm fine and unless you ask me the specifics of whats going on you wont ever know everything that is going on and for how long its been going on. so as much as a nanny will help for those days that i cry in pain just moving from one side to the other and the days that i literally cannot walk cause it hurts so bad, there are days like yesterday and today that i can walk and i feel decent and all this makes me feel so guilty! my bliss today will be short lived and who knows if i will wake up able to move tomorrow or the next day and its those days that i admit to myself that i need help. but days like today where throwing up, contractions and cramping are the least of my worries.....i will take the kids to the park and enjoy the day that i can do it all on my own =)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NATHAN

i cant believe that just 2 days ago ridge turned 1 years old! in the excitement of his special birthday breakfast, lunch at hooters and a fun day with just me and him...till daddy got home anyways i was afraid that Nathans birthday, which is today, would get forgotten again. last year we spent his birthday in the hospital having Ridge so we didn't do anything. Nathan was just fine with that, he was more excited about his new baby boy. in fact his birthday morning i lovingly threw a pillow at him from my hospital bed to wake him up and wish him a happy birthday. his response "oh ya...it is my birthday isn't it)? lol

this year i hope it will be different cause this past year for my birthday he def went out of his way. he made reservations at my fave restaurant, The Melting Pot. but before that he made me a surprise spa apt. to get my hair done, then we went to eat. when we arrived to the restaurant he had already had everything pre ordered, had them put my flowers, card and presents on the table and had them take pictures and print them out right there =). after, he took me to The Faramont Princess to relax in their bar and take a dip in the Jacuzzi. it was such a nice birthday that i wish i could do the same for him. i cant even stand long enough to cook or bake him anything and even though i feel guilty cause this pregnancy was my idea, he has been nothing but understanding!!! he says that as long as he gets to spend today with me and the kids that he couldn't be happier and i know he meant it! I'm sure i will think something sweet to do for him...i hope!

Nathan,

thank you so much for being so understanding through all this. you have been nothing but supportive and i appreciate you dearly for it! i love you and i am so lucky to call you my hubby-to-be.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

Happy Birthday Ridge Piercely

i cant believe Ridge is one years old today. my baby is growing up so fast!

at 10 months he took his first steps and now hes running like crazy. he is very active and loves to explore everything. he is very vocal but thanks to his big sis who thinks she is a big helper he doesn't talk much. she talks for him lol! he says ma-ma, da-da, bye-bye, hi, bear (hes attached to his teddy) and yummy (this is suiting since the boy eats all day long). he loves to wave to people and say hi or bye. he has followed in his brother and sisters steps and has learned how to put his toys away in his toy box and throw his diapers away. he has been off the bottle since 10 months and i replaced that with a sippy cup and he is now off formula but will still get breast milk for as long as he wants just like twins still do. the boy eats any and everything!! not so bad since we eat all fresh (no preservatives) so this isn't so worrisome.

even though we will be celebrating his birthday in the first week of November were still having a special day today. this morning i got him out of his crib singing him happy birthday, he got a kick out of that and for his breakfast he got a birthday cookie. now you know me i couldn't actually fully go through with this so his "birthday cookie" was actually a Quaker oatmeal breakfast bar that happened to be round like a cookie lol.

time has gone by so fast i cant believe it. i know everyone told me that it would and i did believe them but not to this extent! I've learned so much from all of my kids and Ridge has taught me to just enjoy the little things and live in the moment.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY BOY!!!

Spicy Food And Mt. Dew

its always so amazing to me how far technology these days has come. today was our 4D ultrasound and it was AMAZING to see every little feature. i will say its VERY obvious that she has my pudgy nose lol and maybe ricks lips. we first took 30 mins just trying to get the girl to turn around. she was upside down with her face to my back which don't get me wrong that was so nice to see. that the perfect position for labor and delivery and that keeps my hopes high that i wont be cursed with a prolonged labor accompanied with back labor since ridge was "Sunny side up" (head down with the back of his head in my back) that is a painful position! however as exciting as that is it didn't allow us to see any of her. so we did everything to try and turn her but after a half an hour we finally decided that maybe some spicy food and Mt. Dew might do the trick and it did. poor girl shes never had so much caffeine before her heart was probably racing. well she completely flipped head up and side ways so we could at least see most of her face (picture coming soon). it was very exciting for all of us and i cant believe how beautiful she is =). Rick and Anna our now thinking of the name Olivia Isabella which i love as i have loved all their names.

as exciting for us as this was poor Ridge had to be rushed to the ER from some sort of allergic reaction he had that we think was from eggs. it was really scary. he had hives every where and his skin was turning blue! they gave him some medicine and he seems fine.

tomorrow Ridge is ONE!!! i cant believe how long its been since he was born and how fast it has flown by!

Girls Night Out

last night was a much needed night out for me and the bonus was it was with Anna. she felt that it was about time to get some maternity clothes and i guess i would have to agree. I've gotten much bigger and according to Dr. Kells i didn't gain enough weight (he was being completely sarcastic and made it known) lol i love my Dr. hes so forward, a bit of a jerk

and has a twisted sense of humor....just like me which is why we get along so well lol. anyways back to our girls night out. so we got some really cute and comfy clothes that i will most likely be able to wear during my postpartum while the baby weight is coming off. when we got back into the car i had a bit of a sob fest over the grand total of the clothes and tried to get Anna to let me pay at least half but she refused. its so hard for me to take anything from Rick and Anna cause getting money wasn't my intentions from the beginning but at least Anna made me feel better and a little less guilty. after the sob fest we went to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner and had some good conversation. after, we made our way to Victoria's Secret to get a new bra since my stupid preggo boobs have gotten ridiculously big lol. well needless to say we had a great time and had some good discussions and alot of tears lol damn hormones.

tomorrow we have my 4D ultrasound and I'm so excited to see what the baby looks like =). rick, Anna, Nathan, the kids and myself will all be going. I'm excited that i will be getting a 25 min CD of my own to keep.

Our birth plan is done, we made our hospital lists of everything we want to bring, we have made a list of my expectations during my labor and our food list. seems like we have gotten alot done but it still feels like we have so much left to do. approximately 9 weeks to go =)

Bittersweet

i cant believe Halloween is almost here. this will be Ridges second Halloween but his first REAL one. he was born October 5Th of last year so he wasn't even a month old and we didn't even dress him up so it doesn't REALLY count. this Halloween were thinking of having a party for the kids. nothing to crazy just some games to earn them and their guest candy, wear costumes and have fun food, maybe a movie. we don't do the trick-or-treat thing and never have. the reason being is one we don't see the point in letting them go collect candy that we wont let them eat anyways and two cause its just not safe these days. last year we took them to a park to see a parade and play games and i believe we did the same the year before that. we've never really been the traditional type anyways and its not like their missing out cause we do celebrate....just in our own way. same with Christmas. we don't do Santa and presents. they get so many presents from family its ridiculous that we just don't feel the need to buy them any. instead we have our own tradition. the day before Christmas eve we spend baking goodies for ourselves, neighbors and family. then we go through our slightly used toys and let the kids pick out some to donate, and then we wrap them up. Christmas eve we drop the toys off to a shelter along with food and the cookies. that Christmas eve night we make hot chocolate and go look at Christmas lights. then Christmas morning we have a big breakfast, and then visit all the family and open their presents. they know Santa is not a person of today but instead we share the real story behind Santa and the significance of giving at Christmas instead of getting. now trust me we have had alot of controversy from our friends and family but the way we think of it is, if you want to argue with us teaching our kids about giving instead of receiving and the value of family time instead of gifts then that shows the person and parents you are =) when we put it that way it definitely shuts people up. even though we have our way we don't think any body Else's way is wrong. everyone has their own traditions and to each his own.

so any who on another note, tomorrow is my 30 week Dr apt. cant believe how time has flown by. our classes our over and we have a doula selected. now were just revising the birth plan and getting a list together of everything i want for the home labor like, candles, music, birthing tub, food etc. and a list for the hospital as well. lots to do and time is going so fast. before i know it its gonna be over and a distant memory. how bittersweet

Corney Smiley Faces

today feels productive! i picked Anna up from work and we went down to the Finance office for chandler hospital to see about taking care of some past due bills. its funny that no one told me to do this sooner and i talked to everyone and their mother that is affiliated with chandler hospital and my insurance company. i could have gotten this taken care of alot sooner if someone would have just told me. but Anna being a social worker at mercy Gilbert which is chandler hospitals sister hospital she's got hook ups =) so lets hope this takes care of it and then i can put a BIG check along with a corny happy face next to this on my To-Do list.

i don't ever remember being so sore in all of my pregnancies as i am with this one. even with the twins and i was on bed rest and in and out of the hospital and as big as a mammoth...maybe bigger, who knows. my ligaments are soooo sore i can hardly walk, sit, stand, sleep, even blink! ok so the last one is a bit exaggerated but i think you get the idea. Anna is talking about a Mommy's Helper so hopefully that works out....god knows i need it right now. well that's my thoughts for now...maybe more later.

First Hospital Visit

last night i took a much needed trip to triage. i was so dehydrated and felt like i would black out. i held off till Anna got out of work to tell her so that she could take me down to get some fluids to help the contractions stop. eventually it set in and i felt 50% better. at that point any percent is better then none. my cramps were so bad last night when i came home i got little to no sleep and there still pretty intense today. to top it off the twins are sick and Nathan woke up sick this morning with some sort of stomach flu and had to call into work =(. lets hope hes better tomorrow so he makes it into work. i think i will be sanitizing the house today and getting a better vacume to help with the allergens in the house.

on a better note Anna informed me last night that the FIRST 50 baby shower invites have been sent out lol. 50 plus people, that's insane but GREAT! I'm slightly jealous at times that this baby is getting everything i ever wanted to give my kids but happy as well. the nursery is almost done, they got the stroller/travel system which is by far the most amazing system i have EVER seen. its called an Orbit if you want to google it. they have the baby furniture and now thinking about what baby sling/wrap they want to get. I'm really into the baby wraps and am now thinking of getting one. i have a sling which is okay but sense its only one shoulder it gets pretty uncomfortable at times.

I'm definitely starting to need the help now that I'm having some complications and am hoping to find a Mommy's helper. so if anyone knows of anyone let me know.

well lets hope there are no ER visits this evening! 8 to 10 weeks to go and i couldn't be happier =) I'm ready to foreclose on my uterus and get my space back!

The Little Things

i figured today i would write about something that I'm thankful for! i have allot to be thankful for but today it will be about my hubby-to-be. we've been together for a total of five years but only count 3 of those years since we took a 6 month break after the twins were born so he could get his shit together. yep that's right, for all that didn't know...were not perfect lol. he has made some amazing changes in his life for his family and for himself. many including his family don't even know the person he was so i wont even start but all i can say is that over that six months he turned into a completely different person which in return has slowly helped me to go back to the person who i was when we first met, before i got my heart broken. i was trusting, down to earth, easy going, social and fun. I'm slowing regaining myself and love it!!! so today I'm thankful for Nathan and the effort he has gone through to change for the better! i love him so much and we have such a great little family together =) we don't have much as far as materialistic things and in all honesty I'm happier without it! were enjoying life not things and its allowing us to grow stronger as a couple and become better parents! so any who that's what I'm thankful for today!!!!! happy Tuesday!!!

Perfect Sense

in all the excitement I'm feeling a little left behind. something that i have learned (well cant really say learned cause i still seem to do it) in my my life is that when someone makes a promise, says their going to do something or makes plans with you that you should never REALLY count on that or make your plans around it. i guess i haven't learned the lesson and i might never who knows but i suppose i just expect people to stick with what they say cause when i say something i mean it. none of this is making sense i know but in my twisted mind it makes perfect sense....after all its what i feel. so in all the baby names, decorating, working, postponed play dates, shopping and all the stuff that seems to be going on with everyone BUT me I'm feeling a little left behind and starting to get a bit bitter. i think I've gotten to the point that i don't want anything from anyone and just want people to stop saying "if you need help call me" cause I've asked for the help and I've called and i kinda got pushed aside. so I'm done asking and done making plans around what others say.

this evening is our last Bradley Birthing class and even though i am going and Nathan will be going with me I'm not really looking forward to it, and I'm not sure why. me and Nathan talked and we decided that he is going to be apart of this pregnancy more then he has been. from the beginning i told him i didn't want him to be apart of it, i wanted Rick and Anna to be able to experience it in the way that he would have but i don't think that's worked out as well as i imagined. like Anna says its hard cause we don't live together and i would half agree. but i need more and right now i know for a fact i can count on Nathan more then my family, Nathans family, so called friends, and even Rick and Anna and that's just how i feel. now like always I'm feeling the need to go into some sort of explanation so this doesn't sound as bad but I'm gonna stop myself and just let it be. this is not meant to hurt any feelings and it will probably get taken the wrong way and really...that's OK I'm tired of defending myself.

Nathan has been great through my pregnancy as always. he gets up at 2am for my cravings despite the fact that he has to wake up at 4am to get ready for work, he calls to see if i need anything on his way home....everyday. he calls on his lunch to see how i am feeling....everyday. hes always saying how cute my belly is getting and how great i look. he rubs lotion on my belly. he massages my back about every night since i cant get a real massage, he does my pregnancy exercises with me every night and our relaxation. he makes me dinner, breakfast and lunch anytime he is home. he feels the baby move when shes going all crazy and he will even rub my belly in attempt to calm her down, he is sure to never go over the speed limit just in case if there are other stupid people on the road, and he always gives me a break or wakes up with the kids, gets them ready for bed or makes them dinner when he is home....ALWAYS. he has been awesome and at the same time that he is there for me and the baby bump physically he has been sure to just be there for ME emotionally without getting attached to the baby bump. i love him and appreciate him so much. and i know its not easy for him because this isn't even his baby. thank you sweetie!!!!

First Family Post

so here is my to do list,

*get a good chiropractor- this baby along with my others have really messed my back up, i can feel it in my legs now =(

*get my teeth done- with this pregnancy i have gotten several cavities =( i have NEVER had a cavity in my life or anything else gone wrong with my teeth but as many probably know when your as sick as i have been the baby often takes their nutrition from the mom and that nutrition has to come from somewhere so they take it from your teeth, bones, your iron supply etc.

*get a Mommy's helper- never needed it before but ill admit i do now especially after the baby is born.

*get our emergency fund- as some might know as soon as i got preggo (total coincidence) Nathan lost his job, Nathans dad stiffed us on money he owed us and we completely went through our savings....we have downsized EVERYTHING!!!!

*get my medical bills paid from when i had Ridge- because of a stupid lady at my Dr. office my insurance paper work was not turned in when she was supposed to turn it in and i had to make a couple hospital visits....BLAH!!!

*get the new place unpacked and settled- it makes it harder when i have to always get up and down to get ridge out of boxes, I'm tired enough as is!

*get Nathan a new job- his job isn't guaranteed and he might not be working this coming month =(

well theres my list! just a few things that are stressing me out and some things that I'm worrying about. UGH that felt good to get out!! OK I'm done.

now on a better note Ridge is turning one oct 5th but we will be having a party for him after Halloween. hes running around now like crazy and getting soooo big. he's in the 97th percentile for height and weight. he's 11months and measuring at a 14month rate. hes been off the bottle now for 3 months but is still breastfed as all my kids are.

jazzy and jayvin are getting so big and learning so much. they are 3 and outstanding readers for their age!! they are also in the process of learning Spanish. sometimes i cant believe how well behaved they all are and now that the twins are getting older they are such BIG helpers! they have their daily chores of making their beds after breakfast. cleaning their room every night, loading and unloading there own dishes and loading and folding their own laundry. what big helpers they are!!!

well there is just a couple of updates on our family!!!

The Last One

call it what you want, tell me im letting them win or that i care to much about what people think. in all honesty yes they might have won but its not cause i care what they think. to be honest blogging is just harder then i thought, i feel watched and dont feel like i can be honest with my feelings. if i have a problem with how this journey has gone or i feel that im not getting what i should i feel that everyone has an opinion and thats fine but really i have enough stresses in my life that no one even knows about including rick and anna that i just dont need one more negative right now. usually me being me i would tell these people to mind thier own business and that if you dont like what i have to say then dont read it, but i dont have the energy anymore. maybe after the baby who knows but these hormones have really made me go soft lol. i remind myself everyday of all the things i have to be grateful for in this world and trust me i have more then i could count. i love my life good and bad and i love myself! this is why you will rarely hear me complain about anything cause i know i am blessed and i know there is always someone out there who has it worse. so yes it got to me that the one time i was honest about how i felt and showed some weakness someone has the nerve to say something that they know nothing about. i think very few of you realize that with every "your amazing" i get im getting ten other "your crazy, what are you thinking, how money hungery are you, how awful to give away your own child, how dare you bring a child in this would to serve a purpose" and i could go on. this is from family, so called friends, strangers, aquaintances...... anyone with a mouth really. after a while it gets to me. rick and anna seem to get how happy people are for them more then how crazy they are but more people seem to be sad for me then happy, as if im loosing out on something, as if i should be pittied. so yes you win, this will be my last blog regarding surrogacy. any blog after this will be about my family and whats new with us. if you care to know more then you can email me and ask! i dont have the energy to keep defending what im doing i have more then you know going on in my life physically and mentally. thank you though for the few who have supported me through out this whole thing.

pitty me #2

i was talking to a friend today and she kinda brought to my attention that ive been keeping alot bottled up the past couple months. this pregnancy has been pretty hard on me...more so then i think i let on. im not usually one to open up about my problems knowing that someone always has it worse. i think that anna is the only person that i have really opened up with because she just has that type of personality where you feel comfortable talking to her about anything. she is a scocial worker so this helps. the only thing i have not opened up about to her is probably the pregnancy and the pain that comes with it. i have a little with my nausea and cramping but even then i find myself down playing it alot. at one point i was even thinking about a mommys helper but money just doesnt permit and its unfortianate cause i really should have one. anna trys to help but she is busy with work so its just not fiesable for her to get around to getting those reacorses and i understand...after all she has a new baby to think about. our family is no help at all really they have there own stuff going on and most have the attitude "you got yourself in this mess so you figure it out". im still dealing with the depression despite my medication that has helped some but i still feel it. im still sick all day but i should be thankful im only throwing up a few times instead of every meal yet i find myself feeling cursed when i have 3 kids to take care of, unpacking to do, broke as hell, cramping like no other and so tired i fall asleep feeding Ridge. everyone keeps saying it will be over soon but i think there forgetting about my postpartum. the dpression that will go along with it soreness from the delivery and lets hope its not a csection. after a baby your supposed to rest and take care of yourself but in this case it just wont happen that way. this will be the first time that you hear me admit that its going to be hard for me and im scared. im not regretting any of this and i realized going into this that things like this would pop up but me being me i tend to put others well being before my own and always trying to make the lives of others better if i can. im no saint thats for sure i would say its a curse lol. but in reality i want this to be easy on rick and anna i want them to enjoy this as much as they can and i THINK they are. its hard to tell at times they hold back even though i understand i sometimes wish they wouldnt cause its obvious that its thier reactions that i feed off of cause thats all i was looking for through this whole thing. so long story short this is another pity me moment that has come and hopefully will go.